A Thought Adrift…

On Death

We live in a privileged society where death is but a remote possibility. It’s something that happens, yes, but it’s something far off and distant. We don’t even think about death. When someone who’s close dies suddenly and unexpectedly it is an affront to our fundamental view on how-things-are. We are not prepared, and when it happens we are so unaccustomed to such strong feelings of sorrow and grief that sometimes it leaves us completely altered.

Death can come at any time – this was highlighted last week by the death of a guy who was in the year above me at school. He died of an aneurysm whilst traveling in Canada. No warning signs, no sickness, BANG – brain dead before he hit the tiles. He was 27, just one year older than me, and far younger than the average life expectancy (at birth) for males of 78.5 (83.3 for women). Sure, he’s not close to me; He is that far off distant guy who dies and you actually hear about. But he’s close to somebody. He’s someone’s son, and someone’s boyfriend.

He’s about the 5th person I’ve “known” who’s died. I say “known” even though I couldn’t tell you a thing about him. I’d met him, talked to him at a couple of parties, and that’s about it. I’ve only been to two funerals, one was for my Grandad (obviously not the blogging Grandad), and the other was for my good friend’s brother who committed suicide. The first death was semi-expected, people get old, and they die – so you don’t get that great sense that somethings gone terribly wrong in the world. Sure you grieve, but it doesn’t leave an open wound: you get over it. A sudden death, and in particular a suicide, leaves you wondering what part of society failed. It leaves you feeling cold. It makes you ask yourself some pretty confronting questions. It was a real head-fuck for me and I barely knew the guy. I can only imagine the feelings my friend would have experienced for the loss of her brother.

So here’s my advice to you. Think about death. Think about the death of a loved one when you lay in bed at night. Think about what would happen if they were taken away suddenly. What would happen? Would you have to tell the parents? How would you react if they blamed you? Could you make a speech at the funeral? Would you write on your blog about it? What would it be like lying in your bed at your house knowing that they’ll never be back, that you’ll never see their smile again, hear them talk or feel their touch. Think about every detail – what happens when you go to solicitors office to sort out inheritance? Would you be relieved to inherit something? Or distressed?

You’ll choke up, at least I hope you do. It should make you feel bad, woeful in fact. Don’t dismiss these feelings just yet – follow them through. What would happen afterwards? Would you move away to try and bury the pain? Or would you stay close to your friends? How would you feel when someone asked about it? Would your friends always look at you with a sense of pity? How would you react to that?

Maybe instead of a quick death, think about long, slow, painful deaths like cancer. Say your partner gets a tumor, what does it feel like to know that they’re going to die? Could you even stand it?

Do this alone, in a place where you can fully experience the grief, anguish and pain that is associated with the thoughts. Immerse yourself in the situation. Do this, because you can always just tell yourself that it’s not true, and that it hasn’t really happed. Your loved one is fine and sound asleep right next to you. You can still reach out and touch them.

Death is final, it’s resolute, there is no going back. No Ctrl-Z Undo or F7 restore-to-last-save. Maybe these thoughts will spur you to change some things, maybe try to get to know your parents or grandparents a little better. Maybe you can just sit back and appreciate that they are still alive and you can enjoy some time with them. Maybe you won’t feel like changing anything, but you’ve now experienced the tip of the ice-berg, you know what it might be like if you encounter the sudden death of a loved one. Maybe it won’t be such an affront to your core being because you’ve actually thought about it before. You have felt what grief and anguish feels like and will be able to recognise and deal with those feelings when they well up when/if the real thing happens.