A Dark Theme

Ponderings March 21st, 2007

I’ve been sick the last 2 days and hence I’ve had time to finally upgrade to gallery 2.2 and wordpress 2.1.2. I’ve put on this nice dark theme. It reflects the mood I’m in more often than not these days. Honestly sometimes I feel so … so black … so dark and moody. Deep down I know there is absolutely no reason to feel this way, but none the less I feel frustrated and annoyed at my life, I hate it. In my good moods I love the comfort my life provides, in my bad I feel it’s stagnant. I feel I’m wasting time and not making any “progress” even though I don’t know what I’m supposed to be making progress on. Like there is something I’m supposed to be doing, and it doesn’t involve writing software.

There are a couple of things that can bring me out of these moods. The first is a decent nights sleep, but this only works sometimes. The second is a good dosage of loud classical music, but this can sometimes backfire and send me further into despair. The third is intense physical exercise, usually at soccer training, but sometimes I’m too apathetic to even try. Lastly, the sunny presence of my wonderful girlfriend chases away some darkness, but she’s susceptible to the same moods I am. Honestly though, I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I went to a friends wedding this week and it occurred to me that I’d thought more about what to say at my girlfriends funeral than what to say if and when I married her. Is that wrong?

I had a chat to my good friend, who is also a psychologist, about my thoughts on death. He made me seriously reconsider my standpoint. In his opinion it’s perfectly OK to be completely screwed up by an unexpected death. It’s a normal and natural human reaction and that in good time all will be OK. And that you’ll only get yourself depressed by dwelling on the early demise of all your friends and family. So I’ve changed my opinion and will endeavor to banish these thoughts when they enter my head.

Anyway, I feel a bit like a twat, so here’s a photo of the decorations catching fire at my friends wedding. They’re real flowers, who’d have thought they’d burn?

One Response to “A Dark Theme”

  1. grandad Says:

    Why do you think and ponder on death? I can assure you that you and all the people around you are going to die and it will be at a time that is not of your or their making.
    I think that you are a victim or the easy living of today and don’t experience enough of the adrenaline ( probably spelt wrong )rush that results from real set backs such as getting the beautiful girl to an hospital to save her life rather than worrying about what would happen if she died. When you get to our age, you realize that death is only a short way away and if we were to worry all the time about the approaching demise of one or both of us, then we may just as well pack it in now.
    Just remember that you and I were born into a life in a country or countries that enjoy a good standard of living, we did nothing to earn or deserve such status so we should make the most of it and live it to the full and be thankful for small mercies. This way we should be able to die at peace with the world, can’t say that I’m looking forward to the experience!