A Most Horrid Dream
On Saturday night I had probably the most vivid, realistic, and horrible dream I have ever had in my life.
I was holidaying somewhere on the bank of a river with my beautiful girlfriend Ele (pictured here). 
We’d parked the car right up on the waters edge. I was still in the car and she was approaching the waters edge. I noticed an alligator (it was definatley an alligator, not a crocodile) right where she was heading and I flicked a towel at it (?) and screamed at her to jump in the car. The alligator launched out of the water but she scrambled into the car and we were safe.
But then the sand underneath the front wheels started giving way and the car slipped into the water and started to sink. I climbed into the back seat and I said “ok on three we’ll jump through the back window, one…two…three” - blam I jumped out through the back window and landed on the sand.
But then I realised that Ele hadn’t come with me. I looked back at the car as it sunk below the water’s surface, and I started to panic; I thought “I should dive into the water and find her” but then there was hesitation “It’s alligator infested!” and then all of a sudden it was too late. I ran and told a life guard what had happened and then the dream seemed to fast forward to me sitting in the life guard tower with my head in my hands waiting for any news on the search. This part of the dream stretched out forever. The torment was immense - I kept thinking “I should have grabbed her when we jumped out, I should have gone back in to get her”. I was feeling hope, worry, and anxiousness. But as the hours dragged by these feelings were replaced with guilt, remorse, despair, the most gut wrenching grief and the unnerving realisation that I was now alone in this life.
Then I was sobbing into someones arms, telling them I knew she was dead, that there was no way that they would find her alive. And as I was doing so the search party returned, and they had something with them… I ran out to look, it was Ele’s torn up dead body, all white and dirty with sticks and muck through her hair - and that was when I woke up.
I re-lived the dream in that semi-concious moment just after waking up as I was taking a leak. As I returned to bed the whole thing overwhelmed me and I bawled my eyes out. It was so realistic, and I could still feel those strong emotions that I had felt in the life guard tower deep in my stomach. In those initial few minutes I felt a sense of grief and loss that I don’t think I have experienced before.
I then had a most surreal morning being comforted and consoled by the very person I was mourning. It was a really strange feeling, I felt as if she were dead, and yet here she was. It was almost the opposite of Lucid Dreaming (where you realise you are asleep and take control of the dream) because I woke up and thought that my dream was reality and this was something else. It truly was a most horrible dream, and it showed me a few things:
- Never park the car right on the waters edge, you never know when Alligators will strike (heh), or the sand will give out.
- Always attempt to save your loved one, make sure they get out or at least go back for them. The torment of not doing so is far too greater burden to bear.
Peace out.
PMD (Post Movie Depression)
Whenever I go and see a movie with some great hero who defeats all evil in the name of good I leave it feeling utterly depressed.
At the time I love it - we’ve just seen Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix, and whilst it’s nothing on the book it was a decent flick. However, as soon as the credits roll I start to feel glum and un-special. I’m no Harry Potter, the magical Hogwarts doesn’t exist, and really I’ve got nothing at all which sets me apart from the rest of the rabble we call humanity.
I get this feeling every time I watch a movie. It’s like some reaction to seeing greatness. All of a sudden I realise that I’m not doing shit, that I’m just living my life and that I’m not actually making an impact on the world. I start thinking up how cool it would be to build a castle up on some mountain somewhere and open it up as a school for technical wizards. We can teach bright young wizards (aka nerds/dweebs/geeks) how to wrangle the magics of computer wizardry. We could have transfiguration classes which focus on types and polymorphism, defence against the dark arts classes which focus on secure networking, and a virtual world in which magic (i.e. computer skills) are put to the test via duels and CPUidditch (a peculiar game where two teams attempting to guide worms and virus’ into their opponent’s network)….
See I know I’ve got a wicked (as in good) imagination, and I really feel like I should be able to use it somehow. However I can not write (as you can tell) and I can not draw/paint/sculpt etc. I can code, and a little imagination goes a long way when solving problems, but I’m no genius there. Poetry is fun but I don’t have the word-smithing skills needed for that either. I feel like I have a gift, but I’m not using it. And obviously I have deep seated delusions of grandeur which are exposed and raw after I watch a movie.
The real reason for the silence
I keep assuring you that I have actual content to post up here. And I swear I do…so my excuse for not doing so may seem a little…..well….lame.
See the truth is, it’s too cold to blog.
My computer sits upstairs in a large un-insulated room (a loft really) and I work during the day. When I get home, it is so damn cold in the room that I don’t want to spend any time in there. I’d rather snuggle up in bed with a Douglas Adams book. On weekends I am madly trying to get my aquaponics set up going so that I can start growing things, so I don’t get time to post then either.
As for the content: I have a really interesting/scary story to tell about just how much google can work out about you based on your website. But you’re going to have to wait.
Been Busy
I am not dead, I’ve been busy. There is a lot going on in my life right now and blogging has fallen to one of the lower echelons in my own little “hierarchy of needs”.
I haven’t kept to my word and attempted lucid dreaming, I was meaning to post more on DBC (I will probably make it a permanent page as I think it’s the best thing since the devil invented defects), and I’ve been meaning to do a whole bunch of other things but I haven’t. Sit tight.
Unfortunately, I don’t want to tell you all what I’ve been doing since it’s been proven that it is goddamn easy to track me down already; I’m a little paranoid (but am I paranoid enough?) about how well a person can know me without me knowing…
The Problem with Software Quality
For those who arn’t in the Software business, now’s probably a good time to go to another website. For those that are, I’m going to have a rant about Software Quality.
We are far too familiar with term “crash” than we should be. I pride myself on creating good quality software (and my job requires that I do since I work with safety critical systems). But the amount of crap out there is just phenomenal.
I was talking to a friend of mine who was about to roll out a software product at a customer site and I asked him:
“Is it well tested? Are you confident?”
He replied with:
“No and No”
Where I work we use DBC (Design By Contract) and find it immensely useful for finding defects. Basically we have functions like this:
bool AddItem(ListItem* item)
{
REQUIRE(item != NULL);
//add the item
ENSURE(list.size() > 0);
//return result;
}
If a REQUIRE or ENSURE is ever violated an onAssert__ function is called with a file name and line number.
This means that I can write a function and be damned sure that if it’s ever used in a way that wasn’t intended we’ll know straight away. See the problem is generally that a fault in code occurs, say something returns a 0, and then sometime later that value causes the application to crash. Unfortunately this may be 30 function calls later leaving you with a stack dump nowhere near your original problem. In my experience DBC allows you to catch the error when it occurs, and thus saves you time. If you use it, you’ll find that you get a DBC error and think “Thank god for DBC, that would have been a bitch to find otherwise”.
Anyway, I digress. I asked him whether he’d like our implementation of DBC and he said “nah, it’d be impossible to institute here anyway” and then he listed a two main reasons:
- There is no emphasis on quality. In his line of work time to market is way more important than correctness and quality (which I find hard to fathom). So it doesn’t matter if you deliver a wrong product thats full of bugs, just so long as you’ve delivered something.
- There is general apathy for quality in the workplace. People don’t want to improve things. They’re happy hacking away and since there is no requirement from above, why would they want to change?
Why don’t people want to improve the quality of their code? Because:
quality == boredom.
Code reviews/inspections are by far the most efficient method of finding defects (see any of Humphreys texts), but I find reviewing someones code horrendously laborious and boring. Software is notorious for having out of date or non-existent designs, why? Because documentation is boring. Testing? Boooorrrrrring. Coding however is lots of fun! Thats why I became a Software Engineer. Thats why we have a thriving open source community. Thats why there is so many really bad quality products out there.
The problem with Software Quality is that it is not FUN. I don’t know if it can be fixed, but thats the way I see it.
A Simple Search
So I was at work about 9am the other morning and the work phone rings. I can tell from the ring tone that it’s an external call. I pick up and some guy says “Hey, my name is <something something>” (I didn’t catch his name) “I read your article about Peugeot 306 cabriolet hoses on athoughtadrift.com. What diameter are the hoses you use in that article?”
More than a little take aback I say “it’s called speed flow, and I think there is only one size……. how the hell did you get this number?”
“It was pretty easy” he says, “You mention that you work with Radars on your “about” page. You also mention the suburb where you work in one of your blog posts. A quick search for Radars in that suburb brings up your company name, I ring the front desk and ask for a Simon Gemmell and they put me through”.
Goddamn. It was THAT easy? Two little facts like that? I work with Radars and the suburb I work in? He could have emailed me, but I bet it was harder to work out what my email address was than track me down and call me!
The guy wasn’t a psycho or anything, he seemed quite reasonable and he gave me a tip for fixing the windows if they ever break, but it certainly was a shock. I suppose somebody who finds my wallet on the street will probably have more information on me, but it’s just the ease of tracking me down that scares me. I will be careful about what I post (and have in fact edited some details in previous posts).
Goals, Dreams, Needs and Lucid Dreams
I think there is a an important distinction between a goal and a dream. A goal has some achievable outcome and a deadline. A dream is something less substantial and it’s something you will probably never actualise. As I said in my previous post, setting too many goals can be dangerous to your general well being because you end up chasing your goals. But you can’t really chase a dream, it’s always so much further away than a goal, and it’s so hard to grasp what you actually want from it so I don’t think it’s such a problem. I get a warm fuzzy feeling when dreaming, but I don’t get the same nice feeling when I think about my upcoming goal. I think having dreams is important, because dreams give hope. And hope is essential to feel human. Or maybe I should say something quotable like “to be human is to hope”?
I think my darkest moments have been filled with a distinct feeling of complete hopelessness, which correlated highly with a complete lack of will to live. Not as in “I want to die”, but “live” as in to get up, move around, do something proactive, achieve etc etc.
I’m no great thinker, here are some quotes from some people more eloquent than I (source):
- To eat bread without hope is still slowly to starve to death. (Pearl S. Buck)
- He who has never hoped can never despair. (George Bernard Shaw)
- Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torments of man. (Friedrich Nietzsche)
- A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? (Jane Wagner)
Anyway, my original intention with this post was to bring to your attention the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, and discuss whether it relates at all to the general well being of the person. See I think you can reach the top of the pyramid, self actualisation, and still be terribly unhappy. In fact, I don’t think it addresses well being at all. What DOES it address? Anyway, those down the bottom have some simple needs, and I’d say they have a lot of hope. I’m not saying the beggar is happier than the aristocrat, but those at the top may have everything except hope, and hence feel completely lifeless, where as the beggar feels hungry but alive. Hope is necessary but not sufficient for happiness.
The other thing I wanted to bring your attention to was this really interesting article on lucid dreams. This ties in with both the “dream” theme of this post (although it relates to sleep dreams as opposed to life dreams) and the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. Basically it says that you can have some level of control your dreams and actually use them as a tool. The lucid dreams FAQ briefly mentioned being able to use it to achieve “self actualisation”. Certainly an interesting article anyway and it related to what I was thinking about at the time.
Since the FAQ said there is not harm in attempting to enter into lucid dreams, I’m going to try it out. Getting the “rush” of knowing I’m in a dream sounds like fun to me. I’ll let you know how I go. Then you can brand me as a new age hippy and be done with me. I’m not a hippy, I’ve just got an open mind (maaan).
Mindfulness
As you have probably guessed, I’ve been having a bit of a hard time over the last few weeks. I think these dark times are at an end.
I read an article at a friends house over a game of Quizzit. It was entitled “Why It’s So Hard to Be Happy“, which given my mood grabbed me instantaneously. It had some very interesting and counter intuitive advice. I would have thought goal setting a good thing to do, but apparently a goal oriented life isn’t conducive to happiness because as soon as one goal is achieved another is set and so you’re always following the carrot. Time is never taken to sit back and really enjoy what was achieved.
They also condone mindfulness as a psychological technique that actually works. Mindfulness preaches that one must live in the present and not be concerned about the past or future. Apparently this is actually really good for well being.
Anyway, I read this article and looked at the last couple of weeks. I had been so busy over the last 5 weeks that I’d hardly stopped to actually live. And over the last 5 weeks I’ve been slowly getting more and more depressed. Don’t get the wrong impression - I wasn’t working, I was just busy. For starters, the aquaponics systems that I am setting up take up a large portion of my weekend. On top of that I play soccer. I attended a wedding last weekend. I’ve had parties and circuses and training and … etc etc
So on Sunday night I relaxed. I lay on the couch with Ele and cuddled. I smelt the air, felt the cold air and her warmth, heard the sounds of the fish tank and actually saw my surroundings - which is exactly what being mindful is all about. I was taking in the present moment with out the usual feeling that I was wasting time. And guess what? Today (Monday) I am far far happier than I’ve been in weeks.
So I’m going to schedule some time each day where I just sit and be mindful. I did it today in the lunch room at work - it was brilliant. I was living without the blinkers of consciousness. Thinking naught and experiencing the senses as if a newborn.
Meet my alter-ego: Gremwell
A good sleep brought me out of the last dark mood. So now I’m going to run a little experiment. When I’m in a normal or good mood, I’ll post as Gemmell. When I’m in my bad mood, I’ll post using the alter-ego Gremwell. After a little while we’ll see how many postings I have as Gremwell and how many I have as Gemmell.
From here on in, anything I do that is evil - Gremwell did it.
A Dark Theme
I’ve been sick the last 2 days and hence I’ve had time to finally upgrade to gallery 2.2 and wordpress 2.1.2. I’ve put on this nice dark theme. It reflects the mood I’m in more often than not these days. Honestly sometimes I feel so … so black … so dark and moody. Deep down I know there is absolutely no reason to feel this way, but none the less I feel frustrated and annoyed at my life, I hate it. In my good moods I love the comfort my life provides, in my bad I feel it’s stagnant. I feel I’m wasting time and not making any “progress” even though I don’t know what I’m supposed to be making progress on. Like there is something I’m supposed to be doing, and it doesn’t involve writing software.
There are a couple of things that can bring me out of these moods. The first is a decent nights sleep, but this only works sometimes. The second is a good dosage of loud classical music, but this can sometimes backfire and send me further into despair. The third is intense physical exercise, usually at soccer training, but sometimes I’m too apathetic to even try. Lastly, the sunny presence of my wonderful girlfriend chases away some darkness, but she’s susceptible to the same moods I am. Honestly though, I don’t know what I’d do without her.
I went to a friends wedding this week and it occurred to me that I’d thought more about what to say at my girlfriends funeral than what to say if and when I married her. Is that wrong?
I had a chat to my good friend, who is also a psychologist, about my thoughts on death. He made me seriously reconsider my standpoint. In his opinion it’s perfectly OK to be completely screwed up by an unexpected death. It’s a normal and natural human reaction and that in good time all will be OK. And that you’ll only get yourself depressed by dwelling on the early demise of all your friends and family. So I’ve changed my opinion and will endeavor to banish these thoughts when they enter my head.
Anyway, I feel a bit like a twat, so here’s a photo of the decorations catching fire at my friends wedding. They’re real flowers, who’d have thought they’d burn?
